At work the subject of rumors came up today. Who is sexing up whom? Who slept thier way to the middle? And just like in my social life, I see rumors creating drama, mistrust, and all around bad morale between the people involved.
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It has always been my theory that the absolute best way to combat rumor is to simply tell the truth. The real truth.
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No one is completely transparent, of course, but often our first reaction to “rumors” is to tighten up, close down, and the hide hide hide. Yet, no one wants to be a secret.
The problem with all this lying is that the lies never really go away. Lies gather around us like thin layers of wispy cloth, gaining weight without us noticing until we are suffocating and can’t move. We give ourselves away when we gasp for air. Or other people who know about the lie do it for us.
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I’m pretty sure most people have no idea how easily what they are really thinking is hinted at through a facial expression, a pause in conversation, a glance, the way they phrase something in an Instant Message, or the questions they ignore and hope will go away. Few people have the convictions to lie boldly. We get caught. We feel guilty. We hurt ourselves in ways we can’t even see at the time.
We hurt people almost invariably when we lie to them.
They expect one thing.
They get another.
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I think people have an innate need for honesty. That’s why so many of us have body language that is easy to read, unless of course we work hard at becoming better liars.
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I have dealt with personal rumors for what seems forever. We all have. I found that my policy of consistency works best. If I have a date with someone, I call it a “date”. If I have casual sex with someone, I don’t pretend that I don’t know that person when I see him later in public, nor do I pretend he’s my new best friend. To be honest, in most cases, there is no real reason to lie, except to protect someone’s fragile ego or their reputation. Often it is one’s own.
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And, of course, if you know someone’s secret, you hold a kind of power over that someone.
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But often what we perceive as protection is simply denial, simply an inability to let go of that control, and simply a way to hide from ourselves.
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So, instead of teaching myself to lie better, I am trying to unlearn all that civilization has taught me about hiding the truth to protect myself from some imaginary harm. Unleanring how to lie to others. And to myself.
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I’m not always proud of what I have done, but as I learn to be more and more honest, I find that I am less and less ashamed of things I have done. You can’t learn the lesson if you're too busy pretending something didn’t happen.
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And as an added bonus I’m less and less afraid of rumors.
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