The Threesome Question

In the last two weeks, three different friends have asked me about threesomes.  And I’m like WTF... why are you asking me?  Finally one of them, not-coincidentally an ex,  piped up and said:

First of all, you’re pretty open about sex. 
Second, you’re opinionated. 
Thirdly, well you’re a slut. 

I have, in fact, had a lot of threesomes.  A lot.  I like to blame it on my two summers in P-town when I was 20-21, where it seems some gay couples go for the sole reason to find a cute boy to have a threesome with.  But the truth is I had threesomes long before then.  I actually dated a couple when I was 17—that’s a story for another time— but the point… well you get it.

So what kind of advice do you give a guy who wants to have a threesome?  I mean it’s not hard to figure out the physics.  You’ve all seen the video.  Hell, some of you have seen all the videos.  But there is more to a ménage a trios than who puts what where.

So first the short version of my advice and I would say this to anyone who asks me:  If you are single go for it.  If you are a part of a couple don’t bother.

Sounds a bit judgmental doesn’t it.  Well, welcome to my blog.

The deal is simple.  There is always some odd dynamic in a threesome.  Every one that I have ever been in involved some unequal distribution of power.  And since I have always been the third party in these events, I have been able to keep a somewhat objective viewpoint of them.  I’ve even been able to witness some of the after effects of a threesome on some of the couples long after the threesome (with me anyway) ended. 

The only real drama-oriented danger to a single guy screwing around with a couple is that he might fall for one of them.  That one’s easy.  Don’t.  If you start to imagine yourself with one of the guys and not the other, run, don’t walk to your nearest gay bar and pick up some single guy (and make sure he's single).  Stay the fuck away from the drama bout to unfold.  Trust me I have been there.  It's never pretty.

For the couple though, there is no running away.  When you decide to break the monogamy deal— it’s done.  You cannot unbreak an egg, or a boyfriend's heart.  You can always go back to not screwing around, you can close the door once its opened, but that door will never look the same, and the cracks in it will still be there.

Worse, in almost every threesome I have been in, one of the guys clearly was more into me than the other.  This might have been a pure physical attraction thing, or even that one guy in the couple was simply more interested in threesomes or diversity than the other.  Whatever the case, bringing in a third person always magnifies any unbalance in a relationship.  It magnifies any insecurity.  And it is a big step towards testing the limits of a relationship.  Lust is not the kind of emotion that is satiated for very long.  And once someone feels he has permission to do one thing, he is going to feel more empowered to go further and try for more.  None of this is intrinsically wrong, but we also shouldn’t completely discount the “straight” model of monogamy.  There is value to sacrifice.

One thing that has always fascinated me is the number of people that think having threesomes will somehow solve a problem in thier relationship.  Usually the problem of one person wanting to go outside the relationship.   The reasoning goes: maybe if I let him have threesomes, he will not want to cheat on me anymore.  I can’t tell you how many times I have heard guys say “Well he’s going to cheat on me anyway, at least this way I can be there.”

Sounds great in theory, but it’s a total lie.  It never works.  Ever.  A guy who wants to cheat on you will want to cheat on your no matter what you do.  And after you start having threesomes, the selfish bastard knows he can get you to compromise.  You will probabaly compromise a bit more. 

The truth is you can have a healthy relationship and have threesomes.  If you are truly both on the same page on the issue and have amazing communication it can certainly work.  I know a couple that seems to do great with it. But the healthy relationship must come first.  Threesomes are about as good for a relationship as alcohol or other drugs.  Sure people can play around and still have a great relationship, but recreational drugs, alcohol, nor threesomes will ever solve a problem.  If anything they will hide one, or rip it out into the open.

So as hypocritical as it sounds, my advice remains:

If you're a single guy and you want to have a threesome— go ahead; be safe; have fun.

If you are part of a couple and you’re thinking about threesomes: take a step back, make sure it is not only what you want, but also what your partner wants.  And make sure that you are doing it for the right reasons:  for fun and variety.  Set limits and stick to them (oh god thats a whole other issue-- and a book worth of stories.  People always want to test or all out smash the limits.)

Be clear with what you are comfortable with and make sure you know what you are comfortable with.  It is easy to lie to yourself when you want to make some one else happy.  But if you compromise too much, you will only end up resenting your partner and screwing yourself over.

And above all communicate. 
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Comments

[Dave Evans]

Eric - great blog mate. I love your threesome advise. As a single guy I definitely think I should get some more... hehehe.

I've added you to my blog roll.

[Linz]

this was a great post. i just finished writing an e-mail to my boyfriend who requests this stuff and doesn't seem to realize that it makes me feel like i'm not good enough for him. instead, i told him that we are both better off making a choice about what we really want. i am not willing to compromise my self-respect even if i love him, and if he's not willing to compromise this fantasy than it's another sorry loss.

your blog i read afterwords, made me feel a lot better that i'm not threatening him just not compromising myslef. Thanks!

[Dulcey]

My boyfriend and I enjoyed two nights with the same wonderfully bi sexy older woman ("older" being our age, which is 50) and it was better than we could have dreamed. But all along, she told us that it was the woman who stands the most to lose, and that it had to be all about me. As a result, they really did pamper me and focus on me. Until the final part of the last night, when something different happened and I really did feel odd, jealous, and super strange, I stopped the action and we changed to something different.

Here we are two weeks later and my boyfriend and I, who have a long-distance relationship most weeks of the month, are on the verge of breaking up for good.

It's true, a threesome brings out ALL of your insecurities, fears, and jealousies. I loved it, but I hate the fallout.

[Josh1126]

Hi Eric,

I have a couple of questions and I can understand if you dont want to reply to them but if you wouldnt mind please email me at Owlrocks7@aol.com

[Alyssa]

Great blog! My boyfriend and I are considering it, but are weighing the pros and cons before we make any decisions. Thanks for you advice :)

[Music_master]

I think you are not quite right and you should still studying the matter.

[Loralie]

Yep you are right. doing it for the wrong reasons is stupid.. i think i did it because in part i thought he would cheat anyway and he probably still will be tempted to (he actually hasn't) but also because i'm bi-curious. Well figured out i am def tending to bi (liked that part) but hate the mental pic of him fucking her. interestingly at the time found it unbelievably horny to watch; a girlfriend of mine also reported the same strange sense - you don't like seeing him fuck her but he looks so fucking horny doing it u want him. for the person who feels they are sharing, it needs to be with a stranger or pro and they need to be putting the sharer in the middle... in our case overall it was a good experience and I've done a great life drawing of the shocking image, which is helping me to appreciate it and feel comfortable with it. anyway ... that's my experience...